fifidelmar's Blog

I find myself writing this, alone on a Saturday evening.  Gorgeous fall weather on the coast, the house is too quiet.  I could have had plans, many options, alas... I feel like I need to hunker down and stockpile food and weapons?  No, that was a joke, but that is the feeling.  I feel like there is a battle royale brewing and I should be in serious preparation mode.  "Impending drama" feeling of the anxious variety.

Before I sat down to write this, a few days ago I revisited my old ep blog from 2008ish.  WOW!  That was an eye opener and an experience with perfect timing.  Here I sit, at the same computer (well, not the same computer, but the same room, same desk, etc) and I am facing the same dilemma.  No surprise, just disappointment and disgust.

I've been in Scottsdale, Arizona most of the past month, dealing with a daughter in an in-patient, very serious eating disorders treatment facility.  Extreme stress, worry, pressure.  I was brought to my knees.  She returned home from summer camp, had lost about 17 pounds and within less than a week was suicidal.  This was all seemingly out of the blue.  When this type of thing happens to a parent, you find yourself in adrenaline mode 1,000 and you go on auto pilot.  Once she was admitted, my crying started and I actually said to my mother over the phone "I think I'm having a nervous breakdown".  Why you ask?  Because I was handling it alone.  Yes, I'm married, but he fell apart.  He couldn't stop crying.  So, I had to take her to Arizona, have her admitted, attend the therapy sessions, be available 24/7 for medication calls, etc.  She had a feeding tube for a few weeks and there was a pulse rate drop issue.  (??)  So, he stayed home because "he had to work"

My sister came out.  My mother came out.  My husband did come out for about five days and shockingly, we got along better than we have in maybe ten years.  This traumatic event seemed to bring us together as a team.  Or so I thought...  In the end, they discharged her about 30-60 days earlier than we were expecting.  I was there, in shock, calling him to please come out and support the cause.  She was heavily medicated, extremely medicated.  "No can do" --working.  eeehhhhh, ok, here I go.

We return home and I've been told that the first few weeks will be the most difficult for her.  I had an extensive diet plan, medication plan, emotional notebook of what to do and not do... not your typical post childhood illness vitamin regimen.  

We arrive home and I'm walking on eggshells.  One of the "conditions" put on us by our daughter was that she WOULD NOT return home to the two of us, living together.  In her intake papers, two things stand out:  My father is verbally abusive to my mother and I cannot take it. AND  My father is having an affair.  (huh?)  See my two kids have been telling me this for over a year.  Actually, I figured out it's been two years, consistently.  They beg me to divorce him and insist he's having an affair.  They never produced any proof so I dismissed their wary ideas.

Back home, he had agreed to move out and into his parent's vaycay house for now.  Once we get here, he has changed his mind.  I called his mother and informed her that it would be me and daughter, instead of him.  I had no choice, I gave her my word and I will uphold it.  So, furious, he takes one work ensemble and leaves.  This brings him back to the house every single day, after work, for another ensemble.  Mind f.u.ck.  

I decide that daughter needs an android phone for security issues and ask him for our account code.  Our plan is thru his law practice, and I don't have access.  Interesting.  He gives it to me, I log on and WTF... so 179 texts over the previous 2.5 days with this one number.  I call a p.i. friend and he gives me more details than I ever want to know.  22 year old white trash chick from a neighboring town who had been working at his firm as a temp.  HOLY SHITTTTTTTTT.  REALLY?!  really now?

I confronted him with the black and white report.  Denial.  Then, he proceeded to verbally shred me limb from limb.  He went back 21 years.  He actually said to me "I blame you 100% for our daughters problems".  HUH?

Ok...I sat there and took it, crying like a weak baby.  So shocked, hurt and well...more shock.  No "I' sorry", nothing but attack.

Well, the good news is I'm done.  I cried my eyes our for about ten days.  I'm seeing a therapist and it took me two sessions before she pointed out the hard cold truth and that, was that.  DONE.  Twenty years of marriage.  
I feel liberated, excited for the future, I see glimpses of my real self peeking thru and it's awesome.  The crying has stopped, now the anger is setting in.  Which is fine, for now.  Anger is much easier to handle than sadness.  I'm seeing this as a blessing, I've been unhappy (we've been unhappy for years).  I've approached this subject but with the response from him of...a rock?  

Chapter two is in the works.  What will I do, where will we go?  The world is our oyster and my daughter and I are getting along famously.  She's so much stronger than I have been over these past few weeks.  She has risen to the occasion and I could not be more proud.  It's interesting how friends and family are coming out of the woodwork with support and stating how "clearly unhappy" this marriage has been for a very long time.  So, this was a blessing in disguise.  Walking thru the fire for now, but soon... an even more fabulous Fifi will emerge.  Is that possible?

I keep warning everyone that this year's christmas will be a bit smaller than usual.  I don't think anyone believes me, haha.  So, I found this hideous craft online (who are these people that come up with this stuff??) and sent an email to everyone... informing them that this year's gift would be a craft.  Now, if you know me at all, this is a hilarious concept.  I have no glue gun and run from anything with the word "hobby" or "lobby" in it. 

Oh well, I'm entertaining myself today.  Here's the craft/link:

 http://www.ehow.com/how_4625507_make-apple-santa-christmas-ornament.html

I had to share this, I bought one for every girl I know.  The pink ones are available at amazon and the brand is Neff.  However, the chocolate and vanilla are a lot less (for the same brand) at MODA3.

https://shop.moda3.com/Store/pc/viewPrd.asp?idcategory=0&idproduct=48105

I did not create any of the following, I just did some research on the web, for fun.  Thought I'd share.

 

 

 

I just ran across this in my local newspaper, no words, no words...

 

Police: Man caught looking up woman's dress, again Man has been cited by police previously for sniffing ladies' buttocks

By Susan McFarland (Contact)
Originally published 01:47 p.m., March 25, 2009
Updated 10:25 p.m., March 25, 2009

CORPUS CHRISTI — A 53-year-old man convicted twice for looking up women’s skirts and putting his nose on their buttocks is back at it, according to police records.

After hearing screams from the dog food aisle last week, employees at a discount store in the 4800 block of South Padre Island Drive called police just after midnight.

A woman told police she felt air going up her dress, looked down and saw a man on the floor using a pen light to look up her dress.

According to the offense report, the man told police he was getting cat food from the bottom shelf.

Police reports and court officials indicate the man was convicted in two incidents, one in which he touched a woman on her buttocks in March 2007 at the discount store. In the other he was convicted of looking up a woman’s dress in May 2007 at a grocery store. Officers issued a citation in last week’s incident.

Police said the crimes are considered an assault by offensive contact, a Class C misdemeanor punishable by a fine.

Michelle Obama has sent out a database of "recommended causes" to support the world.  In short, here's the link: http://www.usaservice.org/page/content/opportunities/

So, if you wanna make yourself useful, join in.  We need everyone to really make TRUE CHANGES!

http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/

my son, but you can choose the pic and type of dance.  i chose disco. 

Last week, my husband informs me that we are invited to go see cheech and chong plus dinner with one of his biggest clients.  This information was given to me at 4pm, dinner at 6:30.  I had a 2 day stomach virus, that was off the charts, so "no thanks".  I don't know these people, however, the guys some ex NFL player, living a larger than life existence.  I have never met them.  I'm green to the gills, in bed.  (I lost 14 pounds in a week)  I suggest he take his partner.

When hubs comes rushing home to change clothes for the evening, he informs me that his partner did not want to go.  I suggested that he wear the suit, already on, I love that suit.  Honestly, the energy was not good.  I cannot describe it past just a "feeling".  He rushes off to meet them for dinner.  I do not leave my bed, except for the bathroom.

10:00 local news, shows the cheech and chong show had just ended.  I'm weak and fall asleep.  OK... there is a history with my husband, and drinking.  I think he's allergic to alcohol.  He just gets sloppy, like no one, i've ever seen before.  He absolutely just loses his shitttt.  It's awful.  Thru the 17 years that we have been together, there have been a few instances,  where he was DRUNK and either openly told some girl "i'd like to fuk you but my wife's here" (cozumel 1992), or he just doesn't come home and i investigate his path to a local "massage parlor".  These were all in Houston, and one of the many reasons that i thought this move would be good for us.  He ended up in jail for "burglary of a habitation".   He's an attorney, was found half clothed, under a bed, in a house that had been broken in to.  He has no recollection.  It cost us $10,000 for legal defense and a year of hell.  Clearly, there was some sort of sex going on, but who the hell knows.  This is just one of about five stories.  Him drunk, sex involved, me forgiving him and helping him get out of whatever mess he's made.

Fast forward - last week:  So, at midnight I wake up, realizing that he's not home and I get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Last time he was with these clients, he came home shittt faced.  My mind goes to the darkest places until he stumbles, inchoherently in, at 5:36am.  Knocking pics off the wall, trying to take a sock off and falls down.  Cannot form sentences.  He's wasted out of his head AND he was driving.  Throughout the next 12 hours, I get 5 different stories from him about his night and whereabouts.  I follow each lead, to find that they are all lies.  Present him the facts, then he comes up with some new bullshittttt.  There are business cards in his pockets, from 2 women, with their cell phone numbers on the back.  I call one.  She calls me back, later, informing me that "I don't blame you for calling, he was a mess, drinking martinis.  I don't know what happened, I was at home, in my bed by midnight."   hmmm...

He had a 2 day hangover, throwing up, the whole shebang.  I told him that if he looked me in the eye, like a man, and told me the truth, that i would forgive him and put this behind us.  Also, that if he chose not to do that, then he was moving out..."I have self respect and you have crossed the line, one too many times".   He chose to take the I don't remember, I blacked out story and stick to it.  (after i had brought down the first 5 alibis)  He's not budging.  I told him last night, to come help me go thru his closet - because I was packing his clothes. 

He became indignant, and returned fire with "i'm not going anywhere, my parents own this house".  That is another story, when we bought this house, he was being sued and we couldn't get a mortgage with the lawsuit pending, so his parents, bought the house and we just pay them.  They are loaded, so this is not a big deal, UNTIL NOW. 

He brought up everything bad that i've ever done, refused to leave, said that he should not be drinking and that i should not be drinking, either.  He was on the offensive.  There was never an i love you, i want to work this out, i love our family, etc.  I had to bring to his attention the fact that he had never, even said "i'm sorry".  So, he gave me a couple of "i'm sorries".  His true colors showed thru.  No love, No honesty, No remorse.

Isn't it interesting how the things that are NOT SAID, speak the LOUDEST??!

I've been beside myself, but ya know... I have finally come to terms with the situation.  I have some very specific goals for one of my children this year.  Once they are acheived, I will be set free.  ps - I'm fabulous and refuse to take on any sort of personal hit.  He's an idiot.  We do have great children and very fond memories, so I will forge ahead.  Bringing the good with me and leavig the bad, behind. 

http://www.churchsigngenerator.com/

 

i've just placed a huge order!  how fun this will be!!!! 

http://www.restorationhardware.com/rh/catalog/product/product.jsp?productId=prod1531132&navAction=jump&navCount=1

 

http://www.makemesuper.com/r.php?i=9_59dc9-114903-f-Candace

 

 

Ok, I apologize in advance for the ill feelings that I'm about to bestow upon you (shuddddder)...

Woman was saved from her demolished beach house, sent straight to the hospital suffering from an extreme high fever, due to over 1,000 mosquito bites.  

omg 

I just saw this on Bill Mayer and I loved it.  I went to the site, hoping that it was "real" so that I could purchase a "free levi" shirt.  Alas, it was just a joke.  But, I loved it and had to share.

 

we can save one man. I’m talking about young Master Levi Johnston. He’s the 18-year-old Alaskan hockey enthusiast who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter, and the National Enquirer describes him as “a boozing pot-smoker who doesn’t want to get married” – and John McCain thinks he found his soul mate!

We’ve all recently seen how evil henchman of the Republican party captured this poor innocent out of his natural habitat and forced him into a shotgun wedding, all so that their campaign narrative of fake family values could be upheld. When the 17-year-old daughter of the vice presidential candidate running on the Jesus ticket is “out to here,” it’s just better that Levi was introduced as the “fiancé.” Looks a little less white trashy.

But that doesn’t change the fact that right now Levi is America’s number one political prisoner. But Levi, you don’t have to be – this is the 21st century, at least in the blue states. We don’t have sharia law like in Saudi Arabia, or Alabama, and as much as the Bible thumpers would want it, we still don’t have arranged marriages in America. You don’t have to do this – you have options. You can pull a Juno – fuck, you live in Juneau! Or you could do what most people do with an unwanted child: give it to Angelina Jolie.

And if you’re worried about the baby, don’t – let’s get real dude, the way you are at 18, a baby’s better off not being around you – you’ll wind up losing it, or shooting it, or it’ll be on the bottom of your skate or something – just let the Palin womenfolk look after it for a while, one more infant in that Mormon compound they call a house won’t bother anybody – they’ll barely notice another kid at the table, and soon they won’t even remember whose seed it was that produced young “Trink” or “Truck” or “Puck” or whatever fucked up redneck name they give him.

In any event, we here at Real Time have taken the liberty of purchasing the website FreeLevi.org. And I will be happy to give the site over to you if you want to use it to get folks to contribute to some sort of liberty fund so you can get enough money to get out of that frozen meth lab they call a town. And even if the money doesn’t come in, listen to me, it’s not too late: just grab your skull bong, climb out the window, and get on the highway. I can’t actually come get you, or even let you stay at my place because I’m pretty sure you’d smoke all my weed, but just call me from a pay phone, I know of a safe house you can stay ‘til after the election, it’s like the witness protection program for baby-daddies.

And remember, Levi: California knows how to party. Trust me, the girls out here are going to love a big, high-sticking farm boy like you. If you play your cards right, in a couple weeks you could be screwing the lesbian right out of Lindsay Lohan.

 

FREE LEVI

 

So quintessential Tracy!!!  Coming out in November 2008, Album called  "Our Bright Future"

 

http://perezhilton.com/2008-09-18-a-triumphant-return